Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
