just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
