i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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