cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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