You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
