i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
