i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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