So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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