i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
