Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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