she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
