Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
