he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
