I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize