walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
