The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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