So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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