Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I want a musical about memes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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