she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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