I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
