You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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