I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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