I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
