I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
