dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
