The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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