Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
