shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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