Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you had me at cake vodka
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So much rum. So many feels.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
