WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
