Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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