I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
