Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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