Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
