He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
