You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
