If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
