Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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