I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
