Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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