Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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