There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
