My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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