In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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