Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
