What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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