My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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