Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You left your phone here
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