Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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