cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
