Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
