There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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