I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
