this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
