her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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