her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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