so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard