So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this boner is exhausting
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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