my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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