I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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